Big Sky Days

january

I liked it.  As usual, the month came and went fast but it was nice.  Life is chugging along here and we have had lows and highs but it all seems workable, doable.  We have been sorting things out and realizing what needs some sorting, too.  I love a chance to see through the details and take a look at the big picture. And I love that promise of a new year that gives a feeling of strength to begin again.  

So, onward to February.  Today is cloudy, snowy and full of winter.  The sun hasn't got a chance to make a showing today but I guess that is the way some days.  It feels appropriate and, strangely, hopeful.  

I got a chance to ski again this weekend.  First time of the season.  My arm felt okay and was a bit achy afterwards.  But I did get to ski with some beauties.  And it was a real role reversal with Henry, as he escorted me down the black diamonds with the promise of skiing behind me in case I needed help.  I was reassured and amazed by his calm encouragement.  It was a little glimpse into the future that felt, like the weather and the month, just about right.  

Oh, I would be remiss to not mention baby Wilson's arrival into the world a month ago.   Here he is perfectly perfect on his birthday.  There wasn't a dry eye in the house on the day he was born.

 

Do good anyway

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered: Forgive them anyway.If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies: Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank people will try to cheat you: Be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight: Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous of you: Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten by tomorrow: Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough: Give your best anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa

In the wake of this most horrific massacre of school children, I remind myself of the goodness there is in this world.  And that it is possible to know of terrible things and still act with goodness.

it makes me happy

There has been a lot of stress and adjustment for me the last few weeks in nearly evey dimension of my life.  I have been so very worried about working more, my broken arm, my daughter, my husband and it keeps rolling into a bigger and bigger ball that I am then worried it may just knock me over.  

I worry.

I know this about myself and I know I need to work hard to let things go, to let things pass over me.  I know I need to start the day afresh and put my mistakes in a spot where I can learn from them but not beat myself up from them.  I know I am imperfect but sometimes I still think I should be perfect.  It can be so easy to know these things but so hard to act on them, at least for me. 

From alanon, I have learned to repeat the serenity prayer in times of stress.  If there is just one wish I have for me, for my family, and for everyone it is to feel serene.  Serenity comes with patience and practice and letting go.  It is a most blessed feeling.  It is not easy for me - but I know I feel so much better when I accept the prayer and invite its wisdom into my life.  I feel so much better when I am open.

It makes me happy.

And as a fresh blanket of snow covers the ground outside, I am reminded of all the recent things that make me happy: 

It makes me happy to see snow on the tree branches and in the mountains.

It makes me happy to start to let go.

It makes me happy to see friends and meet new friends at holiday parties.

It makes me happy that our holiday party, last Sunday, was such a success!

It makes me happy to think about skiing with my family so very soon.

It makes me happy to have some time today to exercise and go to the bookstore in search of a gift.

It makes me happy to plan for another summer at camp.

It makes me happy to have friends and a husband who will listen to my worries and kindly reassure me.

It makes me happy to have spent a sweet day with my daughter yesterday: at the library, at lunch, and at home.

It makes me happy to exercise (even a little) and  shower in the beginning of my day.

It makes me happy to have a plan to make peppermint bark with a friend and pass it out as a holiday gift.

It makes me happy to know Christmas is coming.

 

to be thankful

He who thanks but with the lips
Thanks but in part;
The full, the true Thanksgiving
Comes from the heart.

J.A Shedd

It is a nice time to have a broken arm, if only, to have a chance to remind myself what I am grateful for instead of dwelling on my limitations.  

My spirits had been very low as I was trying to adapt to this broken arm.  But I got a chance to turn it around and Thanksgiving really helped with that process.  So lightness is returning.

These smiling faces add to my cheering up!

The rest of our weekend has been relaxed and slowly paced.  We created and read from our gratitude jar.  And did some reading.  Exercised!! Wrapped some presents for shipping.  Made some snack basics: granola and hard boiled eggs.

And started the holiday decorating.

Everything is slower and requires more help with one arm.  I reminded to let some things go (eh, the dirty floors) and teach my kids how to do some more on their own and have Henry help Lila more.  I am reminded to delegate and ask for help.   And especially, to breath and fill up with patience when I feel the most frustrated.  

I am most thankful for another amazing day with my beautiful, unique, and crazy kids.

 
 

 

 

broken arm

On Monday morning I slipped in my bathroom and broke my left arm.  I am not sure what I was doing except brushing my teeth, about to take a shower, and then planning to take the kids to school.  Instead, while I was naked, I slipped off the stair to our bathtub and broke my fall with my left arm.  My arm buckled-  and as I held my deformed limb I yelled to my 9 year old son for help.  I knew it was broken and that I needed to go to the ER, so somehow I dressed myself and layed my broken arm across our bed to elevate and splint it.  My son was scared and tearful and I was in pain.  I yelled at him for help and he was in a panic.  I was not at my best, the pain was on par with childbirth.  But somehow he called Greg and we all tried to get through the next 15 minutes until my husband could come home from the hospital to take me to the hospital.   It was hard.  But lucky.  

Now I sit 4 days later trying to keep my splinted, swollen arm elevated.  The bone was re-set and so far surgery has been averted.  I am resting and staying still and hoping the worst is past.  I am trying to figure out how I will get through these next weeks.  I am sad.  I am fearful.

But in my sadness I try to remember that so far I am lucky.  Lucky that just my arm broke.  Lucky Henry could help and call his Dad.  Lucky that I have all the support I have to try to figure out the next few weeks.  As everything about my routine and my daily life changed in an instant, I am trying to be present in this moment and not wish to fast forward 6 weeks.

the rumble of the days

Our air is smokey and our lives are busy.  This sums up the last month.  

The thick haze in the air has been a bummer.  We do not suffer from any respiratory illnesses but there are plenty who are suffering.  To keep kids safe, Henry's school has even opted for indoor recesses on some of the bad days.  The smoke has lightened for the last few days but the wildfires are still burning and the rains are not coming.  I have never hoped for an early winter, but a nice snowfall would do us all a lot of good.  

And busy as can be - we are.  We are ending the month and preparing for a busy October.  I keep hoping for that lovely rhythm of life to set in and to not feel like I am constantly rushing from here to there.  I think now that hope is not enough.  I must create the slow, nice rhythm myself with purpose and direction.  Haven't I said this before?  It is amazing how long it takes to learn things sometimes.

Luckily, there is much to enjoy along the way - busy or slow.

 

 

 

beginnings and a grand finale

The beginning of school for both my children has arrived.  This week everyone is back at it and transitioning really pretty well.  It is an adjustment for everyone - waking early, long days, packing lunches, drop-offs, pick-ups, after school activities, and earlier bed times.  I realize this is the same for many this time of year but it still feels challenging, it still feels new.  

I don't feel like it is all perfectly situated yet.  The whole school routine.  My mind has not quite wrapped itself around it all yet.  When the craze overwhelms I remember to pause, breath deeply, and be here now.  

I do have some other things rattling along in my brain, in particular, an event at our local library that I have been planning since last February and finally will come to life this September 9th.  It has been an exciting and creative force in my life for many months.  But the beginning of school and the grand finale of this event does add to the hectic feeling of September.

I know it is pulling me away.  And when I forget to pay my daughter's Montessori school bill, I quietly remind myself that it will pass and it is all worth it.

been out having a nice summer

So much time has passed.  

My last post  showed pictures with fresh snow and fast forward to today - we are beginning to say goodbye to summer.  But I am planning to spruce up the place around here and start fresh.  The beginning of the school year has a kind of spring cleaning feeling to me.  My organizational skills kick back in and I feel I can re-commit to things that I have let fall by the wayside.  This space included.  

So, perhaps a little wrap-up of what has been missed and then back to posting.  Sounds good.

chill and warmth

We have had a cold weekend.  The earth is wet from soaking rains and accumulating snowfall.  I even turned the heat back on, lit a fire, and cooked comfort foods to try to take the chill away.  Those who have been around longer than us say it is always this way Memorial Day weekend.  I can't say I even remember last Memorial Day weekend  - so I guess I will just go with it and take their word for it.  

This kind of weather does provide time for laundry, reading, art projects, movie watching, and re-organizing closets and such.  It does make me feel grateful for a warm, safe home.  And there is always hot tea to delight in.  

And the hope for more spring sunshine is on the way. 

 

be

There has been time to just be today.  

After the scrubbing and cleaning of my home, the chopping and simmering of homemade soup, and before the the pick-up and after school activities.  My daughter and I had a chance to drink tea, play quietly (in her case), and reflect and read (in mine.)  Just Be.

Sure, I have a lot more I could be doing.  But nothing was urgently pressing.  I even delegated a looming task to someone else.  

 

these times

Kayak and swimming.  Eating outside and roasting marshmallows.  

I love the recent weather but I wish I loved it more.  It is tinged with this terrible feeling that something is terribly wrong.  It makes me worry.    Worry and worry about the the future, my children's future the most.  Even so, it is hard not to enjoy the warmth of the sun.

Then the cold rushes in.

And this feels warm , too.  The shared inside experience.  

The push and pull this time of year - desiring to be outside but the outside is not quite ready yet.   The snow is followed by the sun and then the rain and then the sun.  Certainly, this is what builds the roots for the flowers and plants.  The soil is rich and dark creating the beginnings of a plant life than I almost do not remember existed before.  But it was there last summer and it seems that it is coming back once again.

One reason I enjoy writing this blog is that it helps me see how all of this is enough.  This, I suppose, is my life.  Looking at my life in simple words and simple photos lets me savor these moments, these times, more.  I feel more grateful.  I feel more serenity.

I am learning to let go of expectations.  It is a process that has been going on for months and still feels like a baby wrapped in a blanket.  But I am learning that expectations don't really help anything and, in fact, just lead me to experience that ugly feeling of being let down.  And I don't have to feel that way - if I loosen my grip and let it unfold as is.   Because that is where delightful surprises happen, simple moments, and life's fullness.  That is where the now is.